Day Zero Project. The premise, as I understand it, is simple. Pick 101 things you would like to do and then give yourself 1001 days to do them. Some of the things on my list have been there for a long time. 1001 days is just short of 3 years. I figure any of these things that I fail to get done I can give up on at that point (well, other than things like paying off credit cards).

Get new shoes.
Ge a passport.
set up home recording studio
learn PHP/MySQL
Go to Stillwater for vacation
Take the cat in for a vet appointment.
Buy an expressionengine upgrade
get all my domains renewed
advertise my letters site
pay off Visa
pay off Mastercard
pay off Discover
Save $1000
Pay off home equity
resurface basement
refinish bathroom
get new kitchen counters
repair/replace dishwasher
get new glasses
go to a concert
pay off student loan
credit cards
Repair or buy a camera
Make or buy a monkey puppet
Put together Osculation chapbook
Put together new poetry chapbook

When I get paid and I sit down to start paying bills I am always somewhat excited and stupidly optimistic. By the time I’ve scheduled the last payment I often wonder how I’ll make it to the next check. Perhaps that’s overly dramatic, since I always seem to manage, but since a goodly potion of my bills land toward the beginning of the month I always wipe out that whole check plus more.

So I’ve been wanting to get a bit more serious about budgeting. I want a better grasp on what’s coming in and what’s going out. To this end I am going to make a list of projects I would like to accomplish. These are things that will cost me some cash or are finance related. I am then going to put them in a prioritized order and try to start attacking these. I’m not sure if this will help, or just make me feel like I am treading water. We’ll see.

I’m also wanting to try the 101 goals in 1001 days thing.

It occurred to me I never updated here to say I made it. I’d feel bad about this, but no one reads this site anyway (I know. I have the log files to prove it). This site serves no purpose other than to entertain me. It does that on occasion. I keep thinking it might be fun to do something new with the domain, use it as a clearinghouse to link to all the projects I have out there, but then I remember, there’s google for that.

Anyway, let’s see. Got my picture taken with the girlfriend. Successfully had a tumor removed from my head. Written a slew of new letters. What else? Got me. Seems I’ve been busy lately, but then pretty much anything will make me feel this way. I’m healing up and my brain is starting to go back to the way it was. No, I didn’t have brain surgery, but I think being out of it for hours messes with your head. Everyone forgets things, but this was happening to me at a more alarming rate after the surgery, or maybe I was just more aware of it when it did happen, but regardless I am back to my usual broken way of thinking. Well, at least I think I am. Who knows?

Well, off to go do some playing around on one of my other sites.

Do to the miracles of the modern internet, I am having a tumor removed from my head as you read this. I could go in depth about the whys of this, but it basically comes down to the fact that I am uncomfortable with it in there. This is a pretty major surgery called a parotidectomy (I’d advise only clicking that link if you are comfortable seeing gross shit).

Obviously I am writing this ahead of time, and just as obviously I am hoping it is going well. So wish me luck!

I’m thinking this procedure will be pretty straight forward. But this doesn’t mean I’m not freaked out by the whole thing. The left side of my head has been bothering me for a while now as well, so I’m afraid this might not be the only surgery I’ll have to have. I am also afraid I have something bigger going on. My ears are ringing and have pain going on. It’s been increasing in pain and volume for weeks now. It makes it hard to sleep and hard to function throughout the day. Many days I don’t even try, just crawl into bed and watch TV shows with a hot water bottle on my neck.

Anyway, first things first, and under the assumption this may be causing the whole thing I’ve decided the tumor has to go!

I know it’s a bit sick, but I am hoping that I get some documentation of this event. Pictures and video and whatever. I did get MRI scans. You can see some of them here: It is a Tumor. I also hope they show it to me. One of those floaty things in a jar like in a horror movie!

Not that I will be awake for it, but I’m going to be tweeting throughout the surgery!

I posted this, then took it down. I’ve since been to the doctor’s so am feeling free to put it back up. Long story short, things will be fine.

I’ve been sick lately. In a lot of ways I don’t want to say “sick” since for the most part I feel fine. I had a swollen gland in my neck that started bothering me toward the latter part of August (the 22nd). I went in for a 10 day round of antibiotics that did nothing and it got worse. I went to a general surgeon that referred me to an ENT specialist. He took a biopsy of the affected gland to see if he is dealing with parotid tissue or a lymph node and to see if it’s cancerous. I’m pretty sure it’s a lymph node. I won’t speak to the caner part.

He’d also had an ultrasound done. I have a small mass in the right side, right behind and below the ear. They couldn’t find anything on the left side. I feel like I’ve pulled a muscle in my neck. A hot pad or hot water bottle seems to help, but this along with low energy is bringing me down. Frustratingly I’ve had some good days (about 4 in the last two months). These days last only long enough for me to think maybe it’s passing, maybe I’m getting better, but then the next day I am back at it. Since the initial complaint I’ve started having problems on the left side as well. I can’t find anything physical there. No lump or swollen gland, but I have the same stiffness.

It’s a bit funny to me that I made the ultrasound tech show me the results and make sure I understood what they meant (also spoke with the Radiologist), but when it came time for the MRI I ended up bolting. Mostly because I needed to be at work, but partly because I didn’t want to see it. The tech isn’t qualified to read them, and I sure as hell am not. The last thing I needed was to see a bunch of spots that I had no idea what they meant (not saying she saw anything). It didn’t even occur to me that I could have asked her if she saw anything of concern. There’s a big difference between not being qualified and knowing what you are seeing.

I know I’m jumping around a bit here, but I’m not trying to make a logical narrative. I’m just putting words down. I’m sure I should have already pointed out I’ve suffered from tinnitus (ringing in ears) for years, but this has cranked up to a volume I’d never before imagined possible. Up until a day or two ago I’d have occasional pain, but it would be sharp and annoying and over in a minute or three. Now I have a pretty steady level of pain (like two ear infections, but not quite as bad), with more frequent spikes of sharper pain. My sleep has fallen off (never good at the best of times) and my appetite has also lessened. I’m not sure why this is. I’m just not feeling hungry. When I eat it’s only because I want the pleasure or comfort of food.

The internet is a scary place when you are sick. It’s hard to find answers. Many symptom checkers just tell you “go to the doctor,” when they should ask if you already have been. I have some suspicions as to what I have, but I’m reluctant to write that here, as though admitting something is possible will make it so. My mother died of cancer so I am pretty afraid of this. I don’t want to go through what she went through, and I don’t want to ask those around me to do so either. I’m always lecturing my girlfriend to not borrow worry. Wait until you know what you’re dealing with, then make your decisions, don’t fret over possible outcomes. It’s good advise. I am just unable to take it.

My anxiety has been through the roof. I am more stressed than I’ve ever thought possible.

I’ll have answers in the morning. In about 24 hours I’ll know more.

[Update: I have a multi-cell benign tumor in the parotid tissue behind my right ear. It will have to come out, but this is like the best of the worst cases! It still sucks, but no where nearly as bad as I was fearing.]