I am no man of god,
but of broken glass and past tragedies.
More truth than lies fall from these lips.
I would lie to you if I could.
I would tell you of love that is not,
and sins uncommitted, damnation kisses,
and whatever you needed to hear.
I would seduce you with bad poetry and good wine.
Because every woman loves the badboy,
every woman lives for the dangerous,
but I have always been…too good.

But no more! I have given up my belief in disbelief!
Atheist no longer.
I live for salvation…for a need of forgiveness.
This life is now but clay.
Make of it what you will.
Your god is mine!

And, now, your parents will never approve.

Truly a bastard I will deceive to get what I want.
And what I want is you,
you harlot of Gomorra,
you bitch of the night,
slut of my nightmares,
saint without morals.
My sinning angel!

I sell my soul to a god that does not exist
   to get you!
Atrocity begets atrocity and you drip
   from my fingers
   as does your wetness.
And blood will tell.

Blood always tells.

An untruth untouchable by divinity. I do love you.
From our first awkward word to our last half kiss.
I love you!

Because I….

I am a man of god!

christopher…. ‘06

I’ve had this shirt for some time, and had this post mostly written for some time. I’m finally getting around to putting it up.

Seems you can get nearly anything on eBay. Who knew?

I made the mistake of going to eBay (I’ll trust you know the URL) and typing in “paisley shirt.” I then limited it to “men’s” and “XL” (since I am an extra large man). Oh boy. Such wonder. Such hideousness, such joy. Kid in a candy shop, twelve year old with a JCPenny underwear catalog (the portable internet of my day), a straight flush kind of joy! And don’t even think of all the ugly shirts that had no paisley. I could have spent hundreds of dollars here, since it seems like I am not the only one with this problem (I wonder if there is a support group?). “My name is Christopher, and I have an addiction to Ugly Shirts!”

Anyway, I won this shirt:

This shirt looks like someone beat me with a fractal. He’s a series of photos of me taken at The Des Moines Art Center with me wearing the shirt.

I could have had the below shirt as well had I been willing to pay $57.50 in real American dollars. Oh I wish, but nearly $60 bucks for someone’s used clothing? Some people will pay that much for a pair of women’s used panties, but those people are sick and wrong perverts, and my attraction to Ugly Shirts isn’t sexual (at least I don’t think it is).

I’ll be striking crossing things off the list as I get them done.

1. Redesign jackassletters.com
2. Put up forums and mail list on jackassletters
3. Create eBook of rejected jackass letters.
4. Create bunny coloring book.
5. Come up with revenue model for JAL (sponsorship or ads, members only content).
6. Fire up forums for JAL.
7. Get analytics installed on JAL
8. Create email newsletter for JAL.
9. Clean up ads on JAL
10. Promote JAL site (facebook group, ad, guest blog, more eBay sales)
11. Write 100 companies in 2009.
12. Post 12 youtube videos.
13. Cut up credit cards.
14. Pay off at least 2 credit cards.
15. Clean spare room, living room, and kitchen.
16. Resurface bathtub.
17. Get audio set up put back together
18. List books and CDs on Amazon
19. Sell some stuff on eBay
20. Attend a couple poetry slams
21. Go to a concert
22. Write some poems (8)
23. Write a few short stories (3)
24. Make 6 masks
25. Write 4 metafilter posts
26. Pay car fines
27. Get tags on car!
28. Cash in cans & coins
29. Exercise
30. Lose some weight (10 pounds)
31. Come up with 3 new meals for making at home
32. Bake a cake
33. “Spring clean” data
34. Create and follow a data backup plan
35. Job hunt
36. Attend an estate sale
37. Replace furnace filter
38. Rent a carpet cleaner
39. Get whiteboard/bulletin board
40. Hang masks in office
41. Trash garage overstock
42. Clean garage
43. Dig last window well
44. Do a monthly budget
45. Repaint bedroom
46. Paint spare bedroom
47. Schedule a vacation
48. Watch Tudors
49. Take car in to have looked at, oil change, etc.
50. Update resume/cover letter
51. Clean office
52. update EE install
53. Clean out car
54. Pay for carpooling
55. Take design class or buy design book
56. Replace furnace filter

I was going to put shave on the list, but sadly hair grows back. These goals are ones that I can actually finish.

I’m sure it has something to do with the cold. Sure it has something to do with my finances. Something to do with winter’s lack of light. Morale (mine and the people around me). Something to do with…. (I could go on for quite some time, but honestly it would get depressing quickly). Regardless, I’ve been feeling lazy lately. I was going to write unambitious, but that’s not the correct word. I do have ambition, have tons of projects I would like to address, but pulling the trigger on any of them seems too daunting. Even finishing my list of things I would like to accomplish in 2009 is taking me longer than it should.
I’m not going to get all whiney about everything I haven’t been feeling like doing lately, will touch on only a few highlights, and hope I don’t stress myself out. I haven’t written a letter in a month. I haven’t gone to a poetry slam, movie, or concert in quite some time. Long enough that I can’t really remember the last one of any of these. Lately that I am also creatively blocked. Not writers’ block, not lack or ambition, and not laziness. Regardless of what it is, I haven’t written a poem, short story, or done anything creative for too long. Things like making masks I can’t just do whenever I feel like it, but I have other things along these lines I haven’t been working on either. No chapbooks, no new site features on any of my sites, etc. And by etc. I mean all the little things floating around in my head.
Enough of that! This is where I am supposed to resolve to do all the things that have gone undone, but I am not going to do that. I’m also not going to attempt to explain why I haven’t managed to do any of these things. I guess just by venting I may light a fire under my own ass, but I don’t really care. I’m making a note of the situation, not trying to solve anything. Call it journaling if you will. Rambling if you prefer.
It probably sounds like I am frustrated and regret filled. Only somewhat. Sometimes you need to back away from the crap that overwhelms your life. And if that’s what I was doing here I’d probably be fine. I think it has more to do with too many options. Or put another way lack of focus. I honestly don’t know where to start. Easiest or hardest? Highest priority or things I can knock out quickly to get a sense of accomplishment? Who knows. I think the place to start is getting my 2009 goals finished. Or maybe I should get the one of the chapbooks I’ve been thinking about done. Or maybe sell some stuff on eBay. Or exercise. Or get the bunny coloring book finished. Or work on the best metafilter post ever. Or write a short story. Or…never mind, that way lies madness. I could go on forever.
On the plus side, I did manage to add another 7 things to my “To Do in 2009” list! I might even do some.

[Update: Got the 2009 Goals list to 55 items, which is enough to get started. Will post them tomorrow morning.]

I’m not really one for making New Year’s Resolutions, but I have been thinking of trying to create a list of around 100 goals. Some short term, some long term, with the objective of having them all doable within the year. So things like paying of the mortgage won’t make it one there, but things like redesign one of my websites probably will. This post isn’t a placeholder for the actual list by any means, but is mostly here to motivate me to do the darn list!

I’ll report back soon with how far I get. Some of the items may end up being too personal to post. We’ll see.