This is a call to arms! I ask you, do we really want to train our children to do Jell-O® Shots at such an early age? We have outlawed candy cigarettes as being a training vehicle for vice. We no longer allow Big Tobacco to use cartoon characters to market smokes to children. Why is this drink any different? Theodore Geisel is spinning in his grave faster than one of those tree cutting things in the Lorax!In case you can’t make out the fine print, it says, and I quote (thus the quote marks), “Beezlenut Splash Springing up from the jungle of Nool, Lemon-lime soda — refreshing and cool, With Cherry and Berry Blue Jello-O® — what fun! Slurping up the colors one by one! Free refills.” Argh! This amounts to bottomless mug night at the bar, but instead of drunk fraternity boys doing Jell-O® Shots off the asses of hookers until they puke (the frat boys, not the hookers), well, instead, you have children training at IHOP to be future-fraternity-boy-all-you-can-drinkers! And for this reason I object. Do we want our children to grow up knowing about Jell-O® and hookers’ asses? I say take a stand, we need to teach our kids to say no to drugs, Jell-O®, and hookers! Please, before it’s too late.

I find the Beezlenut Splash to be a most disgusting drink of questionable content. Who would want to drink this without alcohol? I ask you (thus the question mark). Only children with poor judgement and alcoholics that’s who! Where is the outrage at this crass marketing to the future generation of addicts? Where does it stop? Star-Bellied Sneetches Scotch? Perhaps, Yertle the Turtle Girdles? Or even, “A Nightmare on Mulberry Street!” This must stop. And yes, I am denouncing it without having tried it. I do not need to have tried heroine or meth to know they are bad! (Although if you have a steady source for Valium® brand of diazepam please let me know in the comments).

And please, do not get me started on the Who-Cakes. Please do not. These might as well come with a side of Cheetos® and a Twinkie! Just look at these things. Obviously made for the dope smoker in mind! Let these be a warning! Who-Cakes are a gateway food item. Next is coffee (caffeine), then smoking (nicotine), and finally Coca-Cola® (cocaine). Ok, fine, so Coke® no longer has coke, but it once did! And someone stood up to them and got the laws changed. I say we must make such a stand to stop IHOP from allowing children to mainline sugar until they are in a diabetic coma (the children, not IHOP).

Won’t you please contact IHOP and tell them to stop? Do it now. Do it for the children. If you don’t do it, who will?

Restaurant Support Center
450 North Brand Blvd
Glendale, California 91203

Phone:  (818) 240-6055
Hours are 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. Pacific Time

Consider making a donation to keep this campaign alive. Did I mention it was for the children?

All proceeds will go toward the costs of the bandwidth, URL registration, and hosting fees associated with this site. Any additional monies will be spent on adult beverages and consumed by Christopher L. Jorgensen (who is so totally going to get sued and can’t wait to see what kind of ads google decides to serve with this post).

Later, kiddies, and remember, say no to IHOP.