The other day a web banner popped up while I was on some site or another. Now, I know the internet hasn’t exactly discovered truth in advertising yet (otherwise lots of men would have really large penises, a great mortgage rate, three Russian wives, and a pharmacopia of fun drugs), but up came this little ad for a facial cream. Now, I’m no dermatologist, no really, I’m not, but I don’t think anyone can get results like these without consuming the blood of small children on a daily basis (this is what keeps me so youthful looking). I really wish I could remember which website I was on so I could take them to task for allowing their site to be used liked this, but sadly, it may have been my site. Ha! You couldn’t get results like this with hourly Botox injections, and if it worked Joan Rivers would be it’s spokeswoman.

Now, I was on WebMD last night trying to figure out if there was a better way to masturbate (or at least to make sure I was doing it right) when I cam across this happy little couple. Now, she’s got all the charm of a Stepford wife (look at the lack of eyes, that vacuous stare), and he’s actually jealous of a Ken doll’s privates. I mean come on! It’s not that I want my web graphics to be salacious, but is it too much to ask that these two be anatomically correct on a medical site? What’s the point of keeping them neutered? So as not to offend someone? These graphics allow you to zoom in on various body parts and say, “Here’s where my scaly flakey rash is,” and it will give you the most likely diagnosis and treatment.

I love spending time on this site, mostly because I am a hypochondriac and I want to make sure I have my symptoms right when I go to my doctor. Otherwise I’ll be unable to get a prescription for Methylphenidate.

Well, I found this nugget of wisdom on webMD:

“Masturbation is a very common behavior, even among people who have sexual relations with a partner. In one national study, 95% of males and 89% of females reported that they have masturbated.”

Phhheewww! That’s reassuring, a load off my mind, nearly everyone does it! I didn’t find the study where they found 5% of males and 11% of females lie about it though. Well, I think that’s enough of my daily mockery. Tune in tomorrow, dear reader, for another exciting day in my life!