I posted this, then took it down. I’ve since been to the doctor’s so am feeling free to put it back up. Long story short, things will be fine.

I’ve been sick lately. In a lot of ways I don’t want to say “sick” since for the most part I feel fine. I had a swollen gland in my neck that started bothering me toward the latter part of August (the 22nd). I went in for a 10 day round of antibiotics that did nothing and it got worse. I went to a general surgeon that referred me to an ENT specialist. He took a biopsy of the affected gland to see if he is dealing with parotid tissue or a lymph node and to see if it’s cancerous. I’m pretty sure it’s a lymph node. I won’t speak to the caner part.

He’d also had an ultrasound done. I have a small mass in the right side, right behind and below the ear. They couldn’t find anything on the left side. I feel like I’ve pulled a muscle in my neck. A hot pad or hot water bottle seems to help, but this along with low energy is bringing me down. Frustratingly I’ve had some good days (about 4 in the last two months). These days last only long enough for me to think maybe it’s passing, maybe I’m getting better, but then the next day I am back at it. Since the initial complaint I’ve started having problems on the left side as well. I can’t find anything physical there. No lump or swollen gland, but I have the same stiffness.

It’s a bit funny to me that I made the ultrasound tech show me the results and make sure I understood what they meant (also spoke with the Radiologist), but when it came time for the MRI I ended up bolting. Mostly because I needed to be at work, but partly because I didn’t want to see it. The tech isn’t qualified to read them, and I sure as hell am not. The last thing I needed was to see a bunch of spots that I had no idea what they meant (not saying she saw anything). It didn’t even occur to me that I could have asked her if she saw anything of concern. There’s a big difference between not being qualified and knowing what you are seeing.

I know I’m jumping around a bit here, but I’m not trying to make a logical narrative. I’m just putting words down. I’m sure I should have already pointed out I’ve suffered from tinnitus (ringing in ears) for years, but this has cranked up to a volume I’d never before imagined possible. Up until a day or two ago I’d have occasional pain, but it would be sharp and annoying and over in a minute or three. Now I have a pretty steady level of pain (like two ear infections, but not quite as bad), with more frequent spikes of sharper pain. My sleep has fallen off (never good at the best of times) and my appetite has also lessened. I’m not sure why this is. I’m just not feeling hungry. When I eat it’s only because I want the pleasure or comfort of food.

The internet is a scary place when you are sick. It’s hard to find answers. Many symptom checkers just tell you “go to the doctor,” when they should ask if you already have been. I have some suspicions as to what I have, but I’m reluctant to write that here, as though admitting something is possible will make it so. My mother died of cancer so I am pretty afraid of this. I don’t want to go through what she went through, and I don’t want to ask those around me to do so either. I’m always lecturing my girlfriend to not borrow worry. Wait until you know what you’re dealing with, then make your decisions, don’t fret over possible outcomes. It’s good advise. I am just unable to take it.

My anxiety has been through the roof. I am more stressed than I’ve ever thought possible.

I’ll have answers in the morning. In about 24 hours I’ll know more.

[Update: I have a multi-cell benign tumor in the parotid tissue behind my right ear. It will have to come out, but this is like the best of the worst cases! It still sucks, but no where nearly as bad as I was fearing.]